passing the road block

hey guys,
I am still alive! The truth is tho, I was having a terrible time but i have since gotten back in touch with myself. I was quite a mess for about 2 weeks. I didnt leave the house, workout, see anyone......i just layed around and slept and ate my face off. I was having a mega pity party. But i finally woke up and realized that that wasn't what i wanted for myself and i was capable of so much more. I think alot of the time i doubt myself so much that i make myself incapable. I started out this prep in a good mind space and somewhere along the way i lost sight of loving bodybuilding and why i love it and do it. I keep telling myself i couldnt do it and i believed it. I do not wana step on my first pro stage at less than 100%. In the past i've been like 95% and this year i was like 80%. SO, although its really hard to say it, i am glad that i didn't compete and chose to take some time off..... to heal my physical wounds and more importanly my emotional and mental wounds. I am slowly coming to a better place and realizing who i am and what is important. I refused to look within myself the last little while and just fell deeper and deeper into self pity and doubt of everything i am and am capable of.

I am back to the gym now and feel great.
My body feels good and my head feels really good. I will be better in 09 because i will have taken some time to get my head ready and get control of things.

I am looking to step on stage at the New York Pro in May 2009. I am ready to be ready!

I may be attending the atl city to watch....i'm not sure yet. I still had my tickets booked but......i just couldn't bring myself to stay at the contest hotel any more and go to the shows, it'd just make me so sad! So i am going to be staying in NY instead and having a lil shopping trip. I may head down to AC and see some of the show, we'll see how i'm feeling at the time about it i guess!

I will be attending the OLYMPIA THO! I belive i will be there to witness a new crowning of the MS. O- Heather Armbrust. I think this year its her time!

I really like where judging has been going lately in womesn bodybuilding. I think its great that the smaller girls are able to get as much of a look and someone bigger. I belive the WHOLE package is becoming more and more impt in womens professional bodybuilding and the crowning of differnt physiques is a great move i belive. Very happy fellow Canadian Nicole Ball has been doing SOO well. Interesting to see how things go at the olympia.....i dont think anyone has waht Heather has tho!

so, the Offseason has begun! I am goign to try to get my weight down. I have gotten to as heavy or heavier than i was a few months back. I want to try to get down to 140ish and stay around there for the offseason. I am planning to stay leaner and be able to come into my diet at a leaner weight and i know that will benfit me tremendously. The EXTREME dieting measures i have gone to hopefully are a thing of the past. Having to lose so much weight has caused me some crazy starvation! So, i wana avoid that if i can.

Thank you to everyone of you who sent me well wishes! I got back to most of you but if i didnt get back to you, THANK YOU! i read each and every one of your emails and they always make me realize how lucky i am to have so many people rooting to see me succeed. I apprecaite it! I hope u will all continue on with me as we go to the next thing!

All my love today and always,

Cindy

(LOTS of material coming from the shoot mike and i did when i was 8 weeks out)